[amakudaru]

amakudaru on 20051123 um 1129 Uhr #350

The book is to be titled “Tomes of Blood.” Here is what I’ve written on it so far:

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It was a rainy night; the clouds were a dark purple. The constant pattering of the raindrops on trashcans and the road echoed all around the dark alley. The only light was filtered through the curtains of a window on the third story, casting a crimson glow on the alley.

A man was hurrying down through the alley, anxious to get home; his hands were buried deep in his trenchcoat pocket, the tail permeated in rainwater. He worked as a lawyer for the Grimson Law Firm. His name was Harry Glenn.

He noticed the silhouette of a tall figure. “Hello?!? Is someone there?!?” No answer. “Hello?!?” The dark figure moved in a flash, and was gone. He heard a voice behind him. “So what shall I do with you?” “What?!?” “I said, ‘what shall I do with you.’ What should I do? Kill you, or-” “What will you do if you don’t kill me?!?” “Have you work with me… one rule though if I let you live: don’t interrupt me.” “What kind of work do you do?” “Seek out partners… let our kind live forever…” “‘Our kind’? ‘Live forever’? What do you mean?” “What it says. So are you in?” “Why not… so what do I have to do?” “Come with me…”

The shadowy figure swooped over him, and in a flash they were in a large stone corridor. “Come.” He walked down the corridor, Harry trailing behind. “You will become faster, stronger, more immune to sickness. Yet, you will be able to walk in the light of day. You will become a damphyr.” “What are you, some sort of vampire?” “Yes, and you will soon be a damphyr.” “What’s that?” “A damphyr… not as strong as a full vampire, but stronger than human. The time of day has no bearing on you.” “So, how does this work?” The vampire produced a small flask, filled with blood. “Drink.” He unscrewed the top and handed it to Harry. He looked at it, sniffed it, and shrugged. He took a large gulp of the crimson nectar. The vampire took the flask back and screwed back on the lid. As he put it back into its place, he asked him, “So, how do you feel?”

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Any comments on it so far would be appreciated.

Amakudaru

[maestro]

maestro on 20051123 um 1501 Uhr #3490

It sounds great – even if it is a bit too hasty for my taste as You describe the first place very well and leave the second to be a stone corridor where he suddenly pulls out a bottle of blood.
In my opinion You should give the whole act of getting to know each other more time – or would you drink that stuff if you were picked up by a stranger telling you (if you dont have any past suggesting you want to be a vampire)?

It’s a great premise and can lead to a very good story but my humble opinion would be to describe more detail . But then you actually show the talent to keep yourself short that i miss in many goth poems 😉

Whatever you do, be sure to post the final product 😀 !

[necromancerza]

necromancerza on 20051124 um 1144 Uhr #3491

a small flask, filled with blood.

Never put blood in a flask … it will coagulate..mix with red wine, but then the alcohol kills everything inside.

But interisting start 🙂

[amakudaru]

amakudaru on 20051130 um 1106 Uhr #3492

necromancerza, what should I put the blood in where it will not coagulate?

The speed of it is so Harry does not try to run off (part of the Vampire’s personality). as I add more, I may change this idea. nothing is set in stone.

thanks for the input.

(ps. in my book, I will not have vampires being susceptible to garlic, holy water, crosses, or any other myths. They will still be able to eat food, it just won’t be absorbed. HINT: Light will play a big part in this book.)

Amakudaru

[necromancerza]

necromancerza on 20051130 um 1351 Uhr #3493

What age is this book written in?
eg. dark middle or modern?

[amakudaru]

amakudaru on 20051213 um 1152 Uhr #3494

modern with flashbacks. it might end up taking place in the 1950s… not sure yet

Amakudaru

[necromancerza]

necromancerza on 20051213 um 1327 Uhr #3495

As I take it …form a post i read , there has been a breakthru` in anti-coagulatetion by using enzimes of a vampire bat …. maby use a bat as a vessil or explain later on how they got the blood in the flask to remain fresh thru` (modern science)…
Hope it helps.

[maestro]

maestro on 20051213 um 1408 Uhr #3496

you could also spin your way artistically around it.
to my knowlegde noone ever explained HOW the Battlestar Galactica’s faster-than-light drive works 😉

if you casn solve it in the same sentence it would be great but too much elaboration would let the story flow come to a halt

[necromancerza]

necromancerza on 20051214 um 1337 Uhr #3497

It works with crystals … ?
Placed in the thing … ask engineering
Activated by the red button … ask the bridge
What else do you want to know Maestro? 😀

[amakudaru]

amakudaru on 20060118 um 1028 Uhr #3498

Thanks for the input… I may use the bat thing… I also hear that leech saliva has a natural anti-coagulant… (maybe he’s synthesized it?)… I haven’t written much more on it (school and all), but this will change… got to get the juices flowing again… well, ciao for now…

[maestro]

maestro on 20060118 um 1150 Uhr #3499

@necromancerza wrote:

It works with crystals … ?

They’re called dilithium crystals and are placed in a restrictive forcefield near the warp core…but i digress, what i originally wanted to say is that BSG FTL drive works quite different to ST FTL, they lack the warp coils and everything 🙄

[navre]

navre on 20060118 um 1159 Uhr #3500

Lmao ST…..necro if you really want i can get a copy of how the warp drive system works on ST …..the geeky thing about collecting that stuff…”””ahh youth”” they gave you blue prints with every thing…..the theory is good but we cant produce a anti matter field….the ” force restrictive field” M was eluding to …..

[necromancerza]

necromancerza on 20060118 um 1225 Uhr #3501

Hey why dont you guys take your dilithium crystals , stick them in your warp cores , and go back to the party you came from . 🙂

[maestro]

maestro on 20060118 um 1402 Uhr #3502

actually, the force field thing is the only problem with building fusion reactors.

but then, if we can build fusion reactors we only need dilithium crystals and antimatter and cut the low power fusion shit..

[lady_demornay]

lady_demornay on 20060118 um 1410 Uhr #3503

@maestro wrote:

to my knowlegde noone ever explained HOW the Battlestar Galactica’s faster-than-light drive works 😉 …. if you casn solve it in the same sentence it would be great

Solve both in the same sentence? So….. when you apply the blood which has been stored within an enchanted leech bat to the main engine core, it causes a binding of the protons to the warp fields, thereby creating a fusion that allows for both the anti-coagulation and eternal storage of fresh blood while traveling through space beyond lightspeed.

That is what futuristic vamps will consider fast food. 8)

[miyoko]

miyoko on 20060307 um 1737 Uhr #3504

Amakadaru,

Hmm…well, good start. It seems rather rough and WAY too fast. Even if it is part of the vampire’s personality, you should do some background and charcter building first. i liked how you started tot describe the setting. there should be more of that setting described though. and perhaps go into the main chara…Glenn…a bit more. He needs some description. right now, he is a 2D chara…so hes flat, basically. i think you should go into his personality DEFINATELY appearance, family life…things like that. you ought to have at least a page or two before the vampire is introduced. it seems to fast and in order to keep up the pace, the entire book would have to be that speed, which could cause problems.

“It was a rainy night; the clouds were a dark purple. The constant pattering of the raindrops on trashcans and the road echoed all around the dark alley. The only light was filtered through the curtains of a window on the third story, casting a crimson glow on the alley”

I really liked that part. it was a good bit of description as well as a good start. I say congrats on that paragrah. But the rest is just a little rough and too fast. go into depth more and youll be good. but please…i look forward to reading it as it progresses! seems like you have a good storyline established. just build your charas more and add more detail and itll be a hit!

Most Sincerely,
The Dark Lady