Civil war (revisited)
Zitat von navre am 17 September, 2006, 1419 UhrOk so I sat down with words screaming at me and decided that Civil war needed a tweeking, that and my teacher said it would sound better " yes Mys teacher I take writting classes to help expand areas in nned of improvement so here we go " And as usual any and every comment is welcome 😉
Civil War
Deep thoughts and troubled dreams,
Ponderous moments, steeped in pain.
Hollow eyes veil the turmoil contained within.
This Tormented soul wails relentlessly,
At shadowed walls.Torturous memories forge blackened links,
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
Self made shackles,
This imaginary prison.
Fighting binds stronger the chains of slavery.
Tears marks the passing of previous retreats,
To succumb means release.A tallied arm keeps,
The losing score.
Slowly the blade draws neigh.
The battles lost.
This final mark upon a tattered score card.
All is silence
Ok so I sat down with words screaming at me and decided that Civil war needed a tweeking, that and my teacher said it would sound better " yes Mys teacher I take writting classes to help expand areas in nned of improvement so here we go " And as usual any and every comment is welcome 😉
Civil War
Deep thoughts and troubled dreams,
Ponderous moments, steeped in pain.
Hollow eyes veil the turmoil contained within.
This Tormented soul wails relentlessly,
At shadowed walls.
Torturous memories forge blackened links,
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
Self made shackles,
This imaginary prison.
Fighting binds stronger the chains of slavery.
Tears marks the passing of previous retreats,
To succumb means release.
A tallied arm keeps,
The losing score.
Slowly the blade draws neigh.
The battles lost.
This final mark upon a tattered score card.
All is silence
Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 17 September, 2006, 1431 Uhr@Navre wrote:
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
the only thing that disturbs me here - the use of iron and steel in the same comparison...yes I get they're both metals...but they're not the same...they're very different....so it's a bit of a contradiction?
Unless I'm being too pedantic?
@Navre wrote:
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
the only thing that disturbs me here - the use of iron and steel in the same comparison...yes I get they're both metals...but they're not the same...they're very different....so it's a bit of a contradiction?
Unless I'm being too pedantic?
Zitat von navre am 17 September, 2006, 1455 Uhrme thinks you are......as most ppl see then as inter-changeable and it takes nothing from the poem side it takes iron to make steel
me thinks you are......as most ppl see then as inter-changeable and it takes nothing from the poem side it takes iron to make steel
Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 17 September, 2006, 1502 Uhrwell i was just airing my too-pedantic view...
aside from that, the poem is perfect....
just noticed some spelling mistakes -
The loosing score. (it's losing, not loosing.)
Slowly the blade draws neigh. (should it not be 'nigh' instead of neigh'?You know how I feel about spelling errors...
well i was just airing my too-pedantic view...
aside from that, the poem is perfect....
just noticed some spelling mistakes -
The loosing score. (it's losing, not loosing.)
Slowly the blade draws neigh. (should it not be 'nigh' instead of neigh'?
You know how I feel about spelling errors...
Zitat von navre am 17 September, 2006, 1751 Uhrlol no it should not be.....it is as my teacher put it switching from modern to archaic and spelt the old fashioned way so 😈
lol no it should not be.....it is as my teacher put it switching from modern to archaic and spelt the old fashioned way so 😈
Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 18 September, 2006, 1657 Uhrbe that as it may......'losing' is not spelt with two o's...(NOT 'loosing' - should be 'losing; - that drives me dilly.....another thing that drives me dilly is when people say 'alot' - it should be 'a lot' - it's separate....
There I go, being all pedantic again.
be that as it may......'losing' is not spelt with two o's...(NOT 'loosing' - should be 'losing; - that drives me dilly.....another thing that drives me dilly is when people say 'alot' - it should be 'a lot' - it's separate....
There I go, being all pedantic again.
Zitat von navre am 18 September, 2006, 2047 UhrSee now if you were as kewl as me and had the same powers that I do ......By the power of VTK, I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you could fix that but you don't so nah!
See now if you were as kewl as me and had the same powers that I do ......By the power of VTK, I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you could fix that but you don't so nah!
Zitat von maestro am 19 September, 2006, 0446 Uhrmwaha, owned!
@Navre wrote:
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
I think that's perfectly ok: on the first glance these are iron manacles, but they're even from darkest steel, it makes them more durable and menacing. It's an intensification.
mwaha, owned!
@Navre wrote:
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
I think that's perfectly ok: on the first glance these are iron manacles, but they're even from darkest steel, it makes them more durable and menacing. It's an intensification.
Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 19 September, 2006, 1055 Uhrplease fix it.
please.
😮
❗
please fix it.
please.
😮
❗
Zitat von navre am 21 September, 2006, 0859 Uhrummmmm how about no especially since i just got the revision back from the teach. and she says..its perfect...oh and by the way she actually has a degree in english and a masters in poetry
ummmmm how about no especially since i just got the revision back from the teach. and she says..its perfect...oh and by the way she actually has a degree in english and a masters in poetry
Zitat von maestro am 21 September, 2006, 0904 UhrJust changed my uni subjects to english and history today, so that weighs in, too 8)
Just changed my uni subjects to english and history today, so that weighs in, too 8)
Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 21 September, 2006, 1212 Uhrtalking about the spelling....
not the iron/steel debate.the spelling of 'losing'...
fix.
fix.
fix.
talking about the spelling....
not the iron/steel debate.
the spelling of 'losing'...
fix.
fix.
fix.
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