[navre]

navre on 20060917 um 1419 Uhr #838

Ok so I sat down with words screaming at me and decided that Civil war needed a tweeking, that and my teacher said it would sound better ” yes Mys teacher I take writting classes to help expand areas in nned of improvement so here we go ” And as usual any and every comment is welcome 😉

Civil War

Deep thoughts and troubled dreams,
Ponderous moments, steeped in pain.
Hollow eyes veil the turmoil contained within.
This Tormented soul wails relentlessly,
At shadowed walls.

Torturous memories forge blackened links,
Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.
Self made shackles,
This imaginary prison.
Fighting binds stronger the chains of slavery.
Tears marks the passing of previous retreats,
To succumb means release.

A tallied arm keeps,
The losing score.
Slowly the blade draws neigh.
The battles lost.
This final mark upon a tattered score card.
All is silence

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 20060917 um 1431 Uhr #6402

@Navre wrote:

Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.

the only thing that disturbs me here – the use of iron and steel in the same comparison…yes I get they’re both metals…but they’re not the same…they’re very different….so it’s a bit of a contradiction?

Unless I’m being too pedantic?

[navre]

navre on 20060917 um 1455 Uhr #6403

me thinks you are……as most ppl see then as inter-changeable and it takes nothing from the poem side it takes iron to make steel

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 20060917 um 1502 Uhr #6404

well i was just airing my too-pedantic view…

aside from that, the poem is perfect….

just noticed some spelling mistakes –

The loosing score. (it’s losing, not loosing.)
Slowly the blade draws neigh. (should it not be ‘nigh’ instead of neigh’?

You know how I feel about spelling errors…

[navre]

navre on 20060917 um 1751 Uhr #6405

lol no it should not be…..it is as my teacher put it switching from modern to archaic and spelt the old fashioned way so 😈

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 20060918 um 1657 Uhr #6406

be that as it may……’losing’ is not spelt with two o’s…(NOT ‘loosing’ – should be ‘losing; – that drives me dilly…..another thing that drives me dilly is when people say ‘alot’ – it should be ‘a lot’ – it’s separate….

There I go, being all pedantic again.

[navre]

navre on 20060918 um 2047 Uhr #6407

See now if you were as kewl as me and had the same powers that I do ……By the power of VTK, I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you could fix that but you don’t so nah!

[maestro]

maestro on 20060919 um 0446 Uhr #6408

mwaha, owned!

@Navre wrote:

Cold iron manacles, of darkest steel.

I think that’s perfectly ok: on the first glance these are iron manacles, but they’re even from darkest steel, it makes them more durable and menacing. It’s an intensification.

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 20060919 um 1055 Uhr #6409

please fix it.

please.

😮
❗

[navre]

navre on 20060921 um 0859 Uhr #6410

ummmmm how about no especially since i just got the revision back from the teach. and she says..its perfect…oh and by the way she actually has a degree in english and a masters in poetry

[maestro]

maestro on 20060921 um 0904 Uhr #6411

Just changed my uni subjects to english and history today, so that weighs in, too 8)

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 20060921 um 1212 Uhr #6412

talking about the spelling….
not the iron/steel debate.

the spelling of ‘losing’…

fix.
fix.
fix.

[navre]

navre on 20060923 um 0022 Uhr #6413

bossy bossy bossy its fixed you dern old fart