[darkangel]

darkangel on 18 Februar, 2006 um 0413 Uhr #506

Pain I see with these eyes,
Pain I feel with this skin,
Pain I give with these hands,
Pain I learn to love,
Pain the vessel I use
to free myself,
Pain all there is in the end.
Pain to live,
Pain to die,

Pain no more.

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 18 Februar, 2006 um 0914 Uhr #4383

@DarkAngel wrote:

Pain all there is in the end.

it’s this line that doesnt quite flow properly when read with the rest of the piece….. i think it needs to be edited – keep trying to think how, but not having much luck – i battle editing my own work, but other than that….the piece is effective.

[sunrava]

sunrava on 18 Februar, 2006 um 1032 Uhr #4384

I hate to say this but, PAIN you give with your writing.

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 18 Februar, 2006 um 1040 Uhr #4385

Well I tried to be diplomatic and constructive in my criticism….

[darkangel]

darkangel on 18 Februar, 2006 um 2102 Uhr #4386

I like criticism on anything I wright or draw. As for that line I thought abought puting it after the second to last line.

Pain I see with these eyes,
Pain I feel with this skin,
Pain I give with these hands,
Pain I learn to love,
Pain the vessel I use
to free myself,
Pain to live,
Pain to die,
Pain all there is in the end.

Pain no more.

Keep the input comeing please. I also plan on adding more to this post later.

[lovewithdiamonds]

lovewithdiamonds on 19 Februar, 2006 um 0223 Uhr #4387

that line doesnt go with the rhythm of the entire piece – read it out loud – you’ll find it doesnt sound right…. take it out and replace it with something that means the same thing, but that fits with the metric scheme of your work.

[miyoko]

miyoko on 5 März, 2006 um 1845 Uhr #4388

maybe combine lines instead of saying “pain” s much. it makes it monotonous.

[ashiri]

ashiri on 20 März, 2006 um 1859 Uhr #4389

as much as i hate doing it i agree with sunrava, no offense to you rava, but it isnt the greatest piece ive read…and trust me ive read a lot. but then again its not exactly the worst either…*shivers at past awful pieces* ahhhhhhhhhh nevermind you dont want to know lol
Ashiri

[dark_child]

dark_child on 1 Juni, 2006 um 0154 Uhr #4390

I don’t see anything wrong with it.

[soulrain]

soulrain on 20 Juni, 2006 um 0544 Uhr #4391

I like it. 7.5/10 I think the line ‘Pain. All there is in the end.” is best at the end of the piece, but should maybe be re-edited to say ‘until the end’, so it works better, depending on the intended effect of course. But I like the thought being included.