Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 18 Februar, 2006, 0914 Uhr

@DarkAngel wrote:

Pain all there is in the end.

it's this line that doesnt quite flow properly when read with the rest of the piece..... i think it needs to be edited - keep trying to think how, but not having much luck - i battle editing my own work, but other than that....the piece is effective.

Zitat von sunrava am 18 Februar, 2006, 1032 Uhr

I hate to say this but, PAIN you give with your writing.

Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 18 Februar, 2006, 1040 Uhr

Well I tried to be diplomatic and constructive in my criticism....

Zitat von darkangel am 18 Februar, 2006, 2102 Uhr

I like criticism on anything I wright or draw. As for that line I thought abought puting it after the second to last line.

Pain I see with these eyes,
Pain I feel with this skin,
Pain I give with these hands,
Pain I learn to love,
Pain the vessel I use
to free myself,
Pain to live,
Pain to die,
Pain all there is in the end.

Pain no more.

Keep the input comeing please. I also plan on adding more to this post later.

Zitat von lovewithdiamonds am 19 Februar, 2006, 0223 Uhr

that line doesnt go with the rhythm of the entire piece - read it out loud - you'll find it doesnt sound right.... take it out and replace it with something that means the same thing, but that fits with the metric scheme of your work.

Zitat von miyoko am 5 März, 2006, 1845 Uhr

maybe combine lines instead of saying "pain" s much. it makes it monotonous.

Zitat von ashiri am 20 März, 2006, 1859 Uhr

as much as i hate doing it i agree with sunrava, no offense to you rava, but it isnt the greatest piece ive read...and trust me ive read a lot. but then again its not exactly the worst either...*shivers at past awful pieces* ahhhhhhhhhh nevermind you dont want to know lol
Ashiri

Zitat von dark_child am 1 Juni, 2006, 0154 Uhr

I don't see anything wrong with it.

Zitat von soulrain am 20 Juni, 2006, 0544 Uhr

I like it. 7.5/10 I think the line 'Pain. All there is in the end." is best at the end of the piece, but should maybe be re-edited to say 'until the end', so it works better, depending on the intended effect of course. But I like the thought being included.