[darkangel]

Pain I see with these eyes,
Pain I feel with this skin,
Pain I give with these hands,
Pain I learn to love,
Pain the vessel I use
to free myself,
Pain all there is in the end.
Pain to live,
Pain to die,

Pain no more.

[lovewithdiamonds]

@DarkAngel wrote:

Pain all there is in the end.

it’s this line that doesnt quite flow properly when read with the rest of the piece….. i think it needs to be edited – keep trying to think how, but not having much luck – i battle editing my own work, but other than that….the piece is effective.

[sunrava]

I hate to say this but, PAIN you give with your writing.

[lovewithdiamonds]

Well I tried to be diplomatic and constructive in my criticism….

[darkangel]

I like criticism on anything I wright or draw. As for that line I thought abought puting it after the second to last line.

Pain I see with these eyes,
Pain I feel with this skin,
Pain I give with these hands,
Pain I learn to love,
Pain the vessel I use
to free myself,
Pain to live,
Pain to die,
Pain all there is in the end.

Pain no more.

Keep the input comeing please. I also plan on adding more to this post later.

[lovewithdiamonds]

that line doesnt go with the rhythm of the entire piece – read it out loud – you’ll find it doesnt sound right…. take it out and replace it with something that means the same thing, but that fits with the metric scheme of your work.

[miyoko]

maybe combine lines instead of saying “pain” s much. it makes it monotonous.

[ashiri]

as much as i hate doing it i agree with sunrava, no offense to you rava, but it isnt the greatest piece ive read…and trust me ive read a lot. but then again its not exactly the worst either…*shivers at past awful pieces* ahhhhhhhhhh nevermind you dont want to know lol
Ashiri

[dark_child]

I don’t see anything wrong with it.

[soulrain]

I like it. 7.5/10 I think the line ‘Pain. All there is in the end.” is best at the end of the piece, but should maybe be re-edited to say ‘until the end’, so it works better, depending on the intended effect of course. But I like the thought being included.

[Autor]

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