I don't know where i belong to

Zitat von malicia7642 am 5 November, 2005, 0726 Uhr

Hi there, i'm new here. I'm Malicia, 29, from France. Just trying to find out what i am; i've been seeking so many things for such a long time... Hope i'm in the right place. Gonna try to let you see what kind of person i am; wouldn't be so easy to me... Well !
First of all i just want to apologize for my English. It's been several years since i used my ol' English memories... So i beg your pardon for my mistakes, and hope you'll be able to get what i mean anyway !

As far as i can remember, i never felt in my place, anywhere i could be. When i was very young (about 5 or 6), other children didn't wanted to play with me in the schoolyard lol. Growing older nothing changed. My childhood had been very lonely. The same when i was a teenager; the only persons i could get on with were the "weird" ones. Now i'm 29, and it's worse. I've been looking for something/somewhere/the others like me all my life, and i guess i can say i didn't find anything yet...
When i was a little girl, my favorite outside wald was the cemetary. I have been going there with my grandma several times a week. Then when i was around 11, i went by myself. I could rest there, enjoyed the silence; felt like i could breath easier. About all my tastes, i've always been stareed as i'm coming from Mars! I love what others hate or are afraid of. I never found any place where i feel good, anyone understand what i feel inside without being bound to give explainations for hours... It feels like a part of myself is missing, just as if i had been deprived of some pieces of my mind/soul/heart. I'm looking for what i was in past lives, and what i'm still, maybe. I'm something else, but i can't find what ! Darkness attracts me the most. I'm not evil, but my dark side is calling, and i need help, because i just can't talk to anybody about it. I don't know what i am nor where i have to go, but got to find the others, i can't stand staying alone all the time anymore.
I've seen and heared things i can't explain. I still see/hear/feel things others don't. Maybe i'm just insane? I don't think so. My dreams are strange; sometimes i can see things about to happen in them. And i feel so bad when something wrong is about to happen to someone i care... It hurts so much i just can't explain it. As i can't breath anymore, as if the air was turning heavier and dark, and then i feel the pain/fear of the persons. But i don't know who, where or when. So i just can't do anything to help the one i love though they need it. And it hurts. And it's stronger, more and more often as time passes by.
I never met for real anybody who's like me, and i miss it ! I'd like to talk with such a person in reality; but there's nobody here for me. My bf believes i'm not happy with him, when i'm just unhappy with myself ! He tries so hard to understand what i feel, but he can't since he just doesn't have any idea of what i'm talking about. What can i do? Got very dark phatasms, got attracted by blood, can't swallow anything before dawn anymore, can't sleep at nite and feel like to go out and walk through pitch black, and there's nothing i can do about it.
I believed i had found someone; one one those who are like me. But it seems he just forgot about me. And it hurts SO MUCH. He told me he would take me with him into darkness, that he won't leave me behind. Then i'm alone, and i can't stand that kind of loneliness anymore. Too heavy to carry on my own. I can't cope any more. Just want to sream out my anger, but it's stuck in my throat. Just want to get all this sorrow out of my soul and heart, but it's stuck in my veins... need to find my soulmates.
If anybody knows what i should do, please tell me.

I can be depressed, dispirited, mad, fanatic, secret, silent, excentric, dark, furious, sarcastic, laughing to death, crying all the tears of my soul, sharp, ambiguous, ambivalent, complicated, cynical, non-conformist, sweet, rude, nice, temperamental, quirky, charming, unbalanced, raving, anarchist, drop-out, childlike, delicat, sensitive, suspicious, understanding, sometimes narrow-minded or too open-minded... I'm all that. Where my management of myself fails is that i'm everything from one minute to another. I'm everything and nothing at the same time. I want all or nothing at all. I overdo it, don't have any sense of moderation. Inconceivable to make me say something i don't mean, to make me do something i don't want to. I'm not a person you can manipulate. I'm such a changeling, i don't even know why.
But there are some things i could never turn into : liar, profiteer, hypocrite, breaking a promise, betraying few people i really care and love, dropping a friend and giving in.
If you have to be sure of something, it should be my sincerity, and my leading people to go banana !
I'm a pretty strange creature, some kind of wild weird freak with a spooky twisted mind, but i won't bite if i'm respected, except if you ask politely ha ha ...
Maybe tomorrow i'll feel better, maybe much worse, nobody knows. Concerning tonight, maybe i'd fall asleep crying out for that human-world i definitely don't understand... Anyway, i know what doesn't kill me makes me stronger; and hell i got a bloody fucking pack of strength ! Sometimes life sucks, then you sustain and survive, or die.
Now you had an insight into who i am and how i feel inside.