[navre]

navre on 20060119 um 1055 Uhr #447

Good day My fellows,….
The Following is my attempt at something of an Epic, I rather hope you find some kind of enjoyment in it….

Dragon

The eyes of the dragon are green, azure jade of the deepest hue
They pierce the soul to the core like the sharpest sword
They see through me, to my deepest thoughts and know my desires
The words spoken ring only truth as they slide off a silvery tongue
To stand before the dragon is a test of ones manhood
Stand and be known before the masters of all time
For they are the judges of human and awakened fate
I stand before the dragon to be judged tho they see my most hidden of truths
While I lied with others I thought only of the fire the burn it would give me
The pain I could endure, yet not the icy touch of loneliness
I stand before the dragon amongst the flames in hopes that it may sear me
To the core that I may feel something, anything instead of nothing.
Here I am dragon call to me no more
It is my time judge me for I stand before you, I demand to feel the pain of your breath
The knife cuts of the truth you speak, know me as I know my self know me as I have never allowed anyone to know me fore hence
I stand firm in this proclamation and defiant in your gaze
Fore yhea,…thou I know your gaze burns and the truth doth cut
I know me and your fire shall not parch the soul of my being
Only a man who does not know himself can be hurt by your wisdom
I challenge you to this and I ask that you try your best to burn me,
If I can not stand the fire in your eyes nor the sword of your tongue
I ask that the mother who so mote me doth undo the work she hath made and render me to my proper place among the dead
And forgotten of old .

Corpus daniem avek’mor helios
lunarum cordatume corpi tas mac’veniem geia

[sunrava]

sunrava on 20060119 um 1125 Uhr #4058

Little short dont ya think? OKay, okay now I will read it hehe.

[sunrava]

sunrava on 20060119 um 1134 Uhr #4059

*claps* your best one yet man your best one yet.

[viscious-vixen]

viscious-vixen on 20060121 um 0852 Uhr #4060

Well done for a first attempt.

Though you never asked, here is my opinion:

Yes, it is lacking slightly. Nothing major.

Your arrangement of words could be improved, but I like it.
Description needs to be more detailed for it to waver away from the standard invocational speech given in a magickal rite.

Length, with description isn’t an issue, but the force of your intentions in the Epic shows that you may have wanted a strongly based Saga, but it’s weak where you have wavered.

I am pleased, and look forward to more from you Navre.

As in all things, you live, you learn, you improve and the best works as always at the end of the road.

________
Dying isn’t an Optional, Immortality is a Lie.

[navre]

navre on 20060121 um 1243 Uhr #4061

see now this is the kind of critisum I truly relish,…now if you could only go back and do the same with the others I have posted. It is comments from the “peanut gallery” wich gives people in my opion the ” how to phrase this ” extra perspective that they could be looking for when it comes to achiving a specific goal in writing such as I am trying to do. I think I have acomplished this in some cases but missed in other thanks. preciate it…

Na`vre

[lady_demornay]

lady_demornay on 20060121 um 1800 Uhr #4062

My apologies, my dear bard Nav`re… I would have stopped by to read this sooner however I have been a weebit busy and going w/o sleep on a too regular basis makes for a sleepy little girl here (me) with crickets in my brain.

Ahh… the infamous Dragon … I am not sure why you were hesitant to post it, as I liked it very much.

Honestly, though, in my opinion this is not your best work. It feels almost….. rushed? As though you are trying to get to the point quickly. You seemed to have everything squished in your brain and felt you had to get it all out, which I can relate to however I feel that if you focus on the message (?) you are conveying it will flow better… if that makes sense.

I envy whomever you wrote it for, though. 😉 I’d be fairly stoked were I to have something like this written in my honour… (^^)

Is that Latin at the end? I understood a good amount of it, I believe, but I do not remember from where… ought I translate it for you (to tell me if I am correct) or should I just PM and ask about it? I am intrigued, which is delightful.

You never cease to amaze me, Nav`re… keep it coming. And again I apologize for taking so long to get to this… I had planned on jumping on the forums again to torture everyone once again with my incessant rambling, but this took precedence. 😎

Thank you, hon… keep up the great work;
Sid

@}-`—

[miyoko]

miyoko on 20060307 um 1718 Uhr #4063

Nav`re, you have a way with words. this is beautifully written. however, i have read many of yours thus far as you are quickly becoming the best poet i have read the works of in quite some time, and this one doesnt quite match up. it is wonderful, but seems slightly…rough. when compared to the rest of your works, this is hitting below the mark. but for someone who doesnt have as much written as you, it would be excellent. The inpression i got is that you wrote it a little fast. its almost as though theres something on your mind other than what you are writing here. my suggestion would be to try and use more description and better word choices in some areas. all in all, excellent piece.
The Dark Lady

[ashiri]

ashiri on 20060320 um 1801 Uhr #4064

i agree with LD and Miyoko both. it does seemed rushed and rough. i have read many of your pieces and as…someone…said it isnt quiet the same as the others.
but all in all it is very well written (yes i say that a lot 🙂 ) and is really goood but could use some improvements. 😀