The Hookup From Hell……..

Posted In: humor

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        insidedistuo on #698

        Ok… how do I keep finding this sick stuff šŸ˜Æ ??? Maybe I am hanging out it the wrong places on the net….. šŸ˜› perhaps I need to hang here instead??
        alas… here it is…. Enjoy… LMAO.. šŸ˜ˆ

        It’s all good Daddy-o, it’s me, Pat, you fuckers know me. I was simply having a bad day, week, okay fuckers, a bad month, which was topped off with a handful of depressants that got me all emo. However, it’s all sweet 19 year old virgin pussy now. I put aside 24 hours for some much needed sleep, clean up time and 10 hours of sobriety. So after a little soul searching and an email from Jodi who said “there is really no such thing as sober unless it’s death” I’m back off the wagon.

        I found myself fucked up and starving like a motherfucker so, after pondering for what seemed like forever on what to eat, I decided on some fine Italian cuisine, so I called an order in to Olive Garden. So, I walk into their fine establishment…

        Wait, wait, this story isn’t about me, it’s about a friend, yeah that’s the ticket, a friend, his name is Chico.

        So, Chico walks into the restaurant to pick up his order and after walking past the most cheerful fucking hostess in the history of hosting, he made his way to the bar to pick up his order and found the manager girl standing at her register thing with that fat, perfect ass facing him. She finally realized he was there and turned around and greeted him. She was hot in a whore kind of way, with extra eye liner, blue eye shadow and a camel toe to die for. She smiled and said “You look familiar, what’s your name?” She then said she’d go check on the food. Immediately, Chico thought to himself how great it would be to move up a class from fast food bitches to sitdown restaurant type of bitches. Now, Chico’s attention span is shorter than the editorials over at Freakhole, so he turned his attention the cheery hostess’ ass. As he was thinking of licking the hostess ass so that she could have something to be cheery about, the blue eye shadow broad came back out talking about the food would be out soon, and started chit-chatting about how she just knew she knew him from somewhere.

        Now, all Chico wanted was to get his Tour of Italy and get the fuck out, but as the asst. manager/bartender/waitress kept babbling about this and that, Chico decided to try to get his dick wet or a discount. But he was feeling lucky and was shooting for both. So Chico, being the ladies man, decided to go in for the kill and started laying the bullshit on to the point where even he thought he was pushing it but baby girl was eating the shit up. Suddenly, as though she’d won a prize she excitedly says “I knew I knew you, you write on the Internet! You’re dirty!”

        Motherfuck, Chico thought to himself, so much for running up in this broad but to his surprise, she apparently meant dirty in a good way and insisted that they had to hang out and maybe she’d do something he could write about. Chico should’ve known better than to think the pussy God’s were being nice today and he should have god-damn know better than to think that she was anything other than a dirty, dirty girl but like the dumb, wrong head thinking, sonofabitch he is, a rendezvous was planned for later in the evening. He walked out with a 50% discount and shit eating grin as he snapped his fingers and shot a make believe gun at the happy go lucky hostess.

        With a fresh pair of kicks, Chico walked into the bar and found his date for the evening a few drinks and a couple of shots into the night; he thought that at that rate he wouldn’t even have to waste the last of his roofies. The evening continued and things were going good as Chicos’ new friend went on about being able to out drink him.

        After a few hours, several shots, a ton of beer and a blunt, Chico started to think that maybe this crazy bitch could out drink him because she was still going strong and he was starting to slur his speech. Finally, she asked for the check and said she’d be taking care of it. Chico thought to himself that this broad might be all right after all. They walked out, jumped into his truck and headed for her apartment.

        Nothing really happened on the way there other than some playfulness but something was said that Chico should have caught but in his drunken stupor, let that shit slide right the fuck by him. It was something along the lines of “You’re so nasty, you’d eat a bloody pussy.” He laughed, agreed and said something stupid like “damn skippy”, or something just as stupid.

        No time was wasted before Chico found himself necking with his new friend, who now had eye liner smeared down her face which made her that much hotter. Eventually, pussy started getting rubbed, belts started unbuckling and pants started coming off. After some more pawing and rubbing and heavy breathing, the panties eventually came off and Chico proceeded to stick his tongue down her throat while rubbing her clit and then working his fingers into her twat.

        This was the first time the entire night that Chico, literally, felt something wrong. Something just wasn’t right, what the fuck was he feeling? This bitch didn’t have a dick did she? He continued fingering her, knowing that something just wasn’t right until finally, he straightened up to look and fuck him in the ass and call him Lacey if the first thing he saw wasn’t a motherfucking tampon string hanging out of her pussy.

        “What the fuck, you’re on your period?” Breathing hard, she replies “Yeah, so what, fuck me anyways!”

        As he looked back down he noticed dry blood on his fingernail, not know exactly what to do, he decided to keep rubbing her clit to give him some time to think about his next move, when she starts with “Touch my ass.”

        Just a little disgusted by the situation as a whole, Chico ran his finger by her ass and she almost exploded in ecstasy. And apparently her ass is where she hides her racism, because while Chico started giving her an anal massage, she started up with “Fuck my ass, you Dirty Mexican! Give it to me in my ass you fucking spic, do it now, you!”

        Next thing you know, she’s on all fours, getting her ass fingered and still using racial expletives. This is when things got much, much dirtier. As his middle finger was going in and out of her ass, per request, everything was going smooth when suddenly her ass, out of no-goddamned-where, opened up and now his finger felt… I don’t know what word I’m looking for is, so I’ll say… damp.

        After a couple of more reluctant insertions, he pulled his finger out to find it was covered in shit and the smell, well, the smell wasn’t remotely good by any means. But to top it off, she proceeded to stay in that position and went ahead and just shit some more. No shame what so ever. As Chico wiped shit and dried blood on the bed – what, it’s not like it wasn’t already all shitty – his confusion was at an all time high as he heard the pussy God’s slapping their knees.

        She turned over on her back – now basically lying in her own shit – and asked for Chico to fuck her but Chico, being a man of high morals and standards, opted for head instead. When it was all said and done, very awkward salutations, at least for Chico, were given. And the entire ride home, the smell just didn’t seem right.

        Fucking A, I’m gonna start eating at home, errr… I mean, Chico is going to start eating at home.

        Deuce, fuckers,
        Pat from

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