Posted In: humor
Well it’s been 29 years since Consumer’s Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics–if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
1 – 12 Years (See note A)
13 – 16 Years New
17 – 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 – 35 Years Used, heavily
36 – 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)
A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only “new” if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, “divorced”.
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO’s / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called “pickup line”, which can range from the simple if
dull (“Can I buy you a drink?”) to the aggressively hip (“dance with me or
I’ll kill you”) to the arcane (“You’re my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!”). CU rates as Not Acceptable “Smile, you’ll look better.” Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
Ordering vs. On The Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU’s specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don’t. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don’t say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn’t be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
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